Has tech taken away our ability to speak with strangers?

These days I spend much of my time communicating via some kind of electronic device. Not social media, funnily enough - I’m mindfully not much of a social media cat - but all the same through some kind of app or another. Texting, What’sApping, emails. When it is face to face so much of it is via Zoom. Of course Zoom is a fantastic tool for work - I have sessions daily with clients from all over the world via Zoom or Teams and its marvellous. It was an absolute life saver during the pandemic and all that’s great. But it got me thinking in terms of social interaction, have we lost the art of striking up a conversation in person - especially with a stranger?

I live in London, a city notorious for its lack of ‘friendliness’. Everyone is always in a rush - or so my friends tell me when they come to visit from out of town. When I was growing up, up north, you couldn’t stand at a bus stop for more than a few minutes without someone exchanging words with you. I don’t know if that is the same now, but somehow it all feels a little different. After two years of actively being told to keep our distance, I’m wondering if we might have lost the art of striking up a conversation with a stranger altogether. In a Guardian article written by Adrian Chiles that I was recently asked to comment on for a BBC Radio 4 programme last week, he pretty much suggests as much. Is he right?

A few years ago I wrote an article about an experiment I’d done. I had quite a few clients who were finding it hard to meet people, especially in London. Now, I’m quite a chatty person by nature. Even during my cripplingly shy acne filled teenage years, I always seemed to end up talking to someone. I wanted to see what happened though if I wasn’t the one to start a conversation. How long would it be before somebody spoke to me?

I had my day planned out. I was going to get out there in the world and surround myself with people. I reckoned in a city of 9 million people it couldn’t take more than a couple of hours to make some kind of connection. I took the bus into town. I walked around the shops. Ate my lunch on a bench in a busy park… and nothing. Okay, I thought. I guess people are… busy. After visiting a museum in the afternoon, I took myself off to the theatre thinking surely in a social setting I’d have better luck. Picked up my tickets. Watched the show. In the interval went to the bar, had a drink (that I’d pre-ordered, as prompted to do when I’d booked my ticket). Still nothing. In fact I made it all the way home and not even a whisper had come my way.

In the coming days, I pondered over how in such busy places nobody thought to speak. The following week I decided to repeat my experiment with one key difference. I decided rather than simply be polite and keep myself to myself, this time I would look up, make eye contact and smile. I’d arranged a very similar day - town, shops, park theatre. I didn’t have to wait very long, from the moment I walked out the door I had two ‘Good morning’s’ and one ‘Excuse me’. In fact, the day was full of conversations and interestingly I didn’t verbally start a single one! So what was the difference, can a smile really be the answer and if so, why?

It’s kind of common knowledge that conversations can be difficult if we are feeling under-confident or don’t know many people. It’s also no secret that when we are worried that our advances, however platonic, may be rejected we might keep shtum. What my cheery day out made realise however, is that it isn’t just about us fearing a poor reception that stops the conversation before it’s started. It may actually how the other person feels in response to us. How likely they think we’ll be to accept their attempt at a conversation. In short if we look friendly, genuine and open, rather than defensive or even indecipherably neutral, people will want to talk.

What then is the secret to striking up a conversation? Firstly, invite it in. Open body language, making relaxed eye contact and a genuine, warm smile will usually illicit a positive response. Secondly, generosity. Everyone is to some extent in their own world, focussing on themselves and how they’ll come across. Being generous is about allowing them to feel comfortable and making it as easy as possible for them to share their thoughts and words. Thirdly, find common ground. The situation you are in is often a good place to start. Asking a question about something within your shared experience - what they think of the play you just watched, how they know the host of the party you are at or (if you are British) how they are finding the weather! Then following up with a question about them - where they are from, what they do. Soon enough you will find you are deep in conversation without even breaking a sweat.

The truth is, it may seem a little harder to break the silence these days, but it may be that we are all just a little out of practice, short of time and perhaps even a little too focussed on how we are feeling rather than how others are feeling around us. Conversation is the corner stone of our society. Friendships begin with them, business deals are made from them, conflicts can be resolved by them and good marriages thrive on them. So I have a challenge for you; for each day in the next month look at someone openly and smile. For each day in the next month have a conversation with someone you wouldn’t normally speak to. You might be surprised by the opportunities that arise, One thing I can promise you, by the end of it you will be much better at the art of conversation!